The Terminal

You think that after 6 months of living together she would actually miss me and be excited to be back. But she has somehow grown and changed over the past four days. It's amazing what time can do. I guess in this case, distance did not make the heart grow fonder. Instead, it just made us grow apart. I can see now that after a few more weeks, she wouldn't even want to stay over anymore.

There was so much drama today with my nephew. He had brought a friend from buffalo and wanted to leave him here while he stayed with his girlfriend. He got angry at me because I told him that there was no space for his friend and left.

A person's home is a person's heart. I have let so many people into my heart and they have come and gone without any consideration as to how I feel. They take advantage of the fact that my mother also lives here and they see it more as a place where they can come and go as they please. No invitation needed, it is all in their own terms. I am tired of this madness. I am tired of having to set my time aside for these people that will eventually leave me cold and dry at the end.

It's time for me to find my own life.

Alone...

Today my sister left for her new apartment. I feel sad because everyone keeps leaving me. They keep coming in and out of my life without warning and demand for my time. When I can't give them time, I get a guilt trip. Then I feel bad and torn apart inside.

So here I am, once again... alone.

Taking a deep breath... breath....

And we meet again....

It's been a year since my last posting here. A year has gone and past like nothing. Just like the past three years has gone by and I feel as if I have accomplished nothing in life. I was once ambitious, bright eyed and bushy tailed feeling in control of my future and my life. I don't quite know when I lost it. Now my happiness is based on the people around me. My happiness and fulfillment relies on their company, their presence, and their lives. In a sense I have lost my own life and got lost in the lives of those around me.

For the past year, so many people have come in and out of my life often times one after another and somehow in a rotational bases. My sisters Maggie, Cindy, Elaine. My friends Mike, Anthony, Rhonny, Vincent. Then the new people I meet of course. I can't really count how many times I got my hopes up then my heart broken once again. Feeling sad, lonely and depressed again.

So here I am, back to square one. Just when I thought that life was going to be different this time and things are going to change. I am back to where I am. Seeking meaning and happiness. All in all, I guess the point is that I must find my own life. But doesn't the people around you make up the meaning to your life? So what meaning can I find on my own?

Where do I start? What do I do? And me meet again... me, myself, and I...
At the end, I am alone, once again.