Choking on my own breath....

Although today is only monday, I feel as if the week is already over. There seems to be so much to do but the minutes just keep passing by while I sit here helpless trying to sweep everything together. I'm thinking of everything from retirement, career, filing taxes, housing appointments, meetings for work, appointments with co-workers and a student teacher. Somehow the work just never really end. But things don't get easier because I am always freaking out about things. Time to me exists in this giant ball and somehow rolls along day after day.

A piece of me is feeling really restless and is seeking some sort of change. At the same time, that piece of me is open up to all sorts of possibilities that I had limited myself from in the past. My goal this year is to live freely and learn to love and live with myself without having to rely on the presence of other people. At the same time, I want to build friendships and form new relationships. Ones that I never had the time to when I was dating. Somehow I am feeling as if I am just learning how to walk again. So far this week of january has been one that I can barely describe. I'm not quite sure how it's going to end up or where it's going to go. But I really have no choice but to continue on this journey of life.

Life in the City...

Today I got yelled at twice while taking public transit. Once while I was on my way to work, a guy almost ran into me and yelled, "get out of my way lady." Even though I had apologized right before he said that. Then another time on my way home from work, a guy was trying to get out of the train and said "move it, don't you know how to get out of the way, stupid." I have never felt so little ever since I got out of elementary school. People really do make you feel like crap sometime.

Life in the city is not as beautiful and glamorous as it seems in the movies. Often times it consist of getting pushed around and yelled at. You are consisting followed by the fumes of pollution and waste. And often have to go into areas that are over populated by people. On top of that, the living conditions are not so great either. But this is for the middle to lower class people.

However, when you start making enough money then you can start taking cabs to work and live in more spacious apartments and walk on cleaner and nicer streets. Perhaps it's for the rich or the fortunate that things are so much nicer. I really wonder if I will one day get there. But I know right now it won't be possible being a single public school teacher.

I've always wished for a comfortable and stable life and to be able to share it with someone. However, for the past few years in the city, I've been able to share it with someone but nothing seems fulfilled or complete. In fact, life almost seems as if it is on a stand still.

There are so many dimensions to life and it's hard to discuss all the issues. If I was to discuss all the issues correctly I would have to first explain each aspect of life and how one relates to the other. Then I will discuss the issues at hand and how they impact each other. Even though all the problems may appear the same, they all have their subtle differences and only people who care would tolerate and notice them.

It's a shame how life can be so difficult.

Working hard for a better life....

I've been taught since I was a little girl that good things come to those people who work hard. Also if you want an easier life, you must work hard for it. I feel that growing up I've worked very hard and had tried my best to keep up with it. Sometimes to the extent that I gave up certain opportunities and overlooks possible options in my life because I wanted to do "the right thing."

However, I've been feel like I have been slacking off lately. Not because I'm not doing anything, but because I feel as if I have accomplished nothing.

Lately I've feel as if my life is stuck in a rut. I don't really know what I want to do anymore and is lacking goals. I live in an apartment in which I do not feel secure in. I board with a few families of rats and cockroaches. And even though I take care of rent I don't even have a kitchen of my own. The house is filled with so many random things and it's hard for me to get rid of things and to clear out space to feel clearer in my life.