New Years Eve 2010

It's been a very interesting year depending on how you choose to look at it. I got to ride on mules, surf down sand dunes, do a burlesque act in front of my students, and meet some new people. However, like every year, this year must come to a close. As much as it's been a fun year, it's also been stressful and at times depressing. Reflecting on my life, I am still confused and unable to make decision on my future. Everything seems to move very slow.

I am not sure what I would change about this year. It's been a good one. I say it's one full of reunions. I got to live with my sister for a while. My friend from Singapore came to visit. I got to spend a month with an old friend from high school. And I got to see all my family members at least once.

On the other hand, I lost all my pictures because I kicked over my hard drive. I lost another student to guns. I got sick twice this year and ended up having to spit blood out of my mouth. Got into a minor car accident. Missed the Nutcraker and had to purchase the tickets twice.

For some reason, this year feels different. It feels more like a new beginning than any other year. I look forward to it.

Snow Stuck

I guess I have not mastered the art of planning ahead. I thought that I had everything covered when I had organized a trip to jersey to get some stuff done but little did I know that it was going to be a huge snow storm. I didn't know until my friend had texted me and told me to be careful because it is going to snow a lot more during the afternoon. I thought that everything should be fine and we should be able to make it back into the city in time for the Nutcracker. A ballet that I've longed to see and we finally bought the tickets for.

On our way back, despite our better judgement, we hit a curb as we were going down hill. Somehow that hit was enough to throw the car out of alignment. With the weather condition and the condition of the car, our hopes of going back into the city was gone. The goal of going to see the nutcracker was out the window as well. So there it is... our tickets..

We ended up leaving the car in the parking lot of a plaza and my sister picked us up and we stayed over the night in her house. I guess after all it was better than getting stuck on the train back to the city and sleeping on the train. Need to remind you, I was under dressed and I didn't have any food on me so we would definitely be some very unhappy campers.

Finally today, we were able to drop the car off at a mechanics shop and take a bus back into the city. I was freezing of course and my feet were so cold I could barely feel them. I really need some warm shoes this year. Not to mention, some really warm socks as well..

Life... Love...

I've lived and I've loved. And although I didn't think so... but I also had my heart broken. But now I must learn to let go and move on. Life is grand and great just the way it is with all its little wonders. It's too precious to dwell on the past when you have all your moments passing right in front of your eyes.

It's time to start living and stop thinking. I need to stop holding my breath and start breathing... because the past will always stay in the past. And no matter how hard you think, it will never come back.

The Terminal

You think that after 6 months of living together she would actually miss me and be excited to be back. But she has somehow grown and changed over the past four days. It's amazing what time can do. I guess in this case, distance did not make the heart grow fonder. Instead, it just made us grow apart. I can see now that after a few more weeks, she wouldn't even want to stay over anymore.

There was so much drama today with my nephew. He had brought a friend from buffalo and wanted to leave him here while he stayed with his girlfriend. He got angry at me because I told him that there was no space for his friend and left.

A person's home is a person's heart. I have let so many people into my heart and they have come and gone without any consideration as to how I feel. They take advantage of the fact that my mother also lives here and they see it more as a place where they can come and go as they please. No invitation needed, it is all in their own terms. I am tired of this madness. I am tired of having to set my time aside for these people that will eventually leave me cold and dry at the end.

It's time for me to find my own life.

Alone...

Today my sister left for her new apartment. I feel sad because everyone keeps leaving me. They keep coming in and out of my life without warning and demand for my time. When I can't give them time, I get a guilt trip. Then I feel bad and torn apart inside.

So here I am, once again... alone.

Taking a deep breath... breath....

And we meet again....

It's been a year since my last posting here. A year has gone and past like nothing. Just like the past three years has gone by and I feel as if I have accomplished nothing in life. I was once ambitious, bright eyed and bushy tailed feeling in control of my future and my life. I don't quite know when I lost it. Now my happiness is based on the people around me. My happiness and fulfillment relies on their company, their presence, and their lives. In a sense I have lost my own life and got lost in the lives of those around me.

For the past year, so many people have come in and out of my life often times one after another and somehow in a rotational bases. My sisters Maggie, Cindy, Elaine. My friends Mike, Anthony, Rhonny, Vincent. Then the new people I meet of course. I can't really count how many times I got my hopes up then my heart broken once again. Feeling sad, lonely and depressed again.

So here I am, back to square one. Just when I thought that life was going to be different this time and things are going to change. I am back to where I am. Seeking meaning and happiness. All in all, I guess the point is that I must find my own life. But doesn't the people around you make up the meaning to your life? So what meaning can I find on my own?

Where do I start? What do I do? And me meet again... me, myself, and I...
At the end, I am alone, once again.