Work...

I'm tired... really tired... I wonder when this feeling is ever going to stop.

I remember when I was at Wal-mart one time when the guy who was in line in front of me said to the cashier, " you will always be tired for the rest of your life, the question is how much." That had really stuck to me and I never forgot that comment.

Now and Later

The computer is an alternative window to the outside world. It gives people the option to live their lives through the acted lives of people on screen and also gives them the ability to obtain information faster than ever before. Sometimes I look at this window as an escape for a better life and in return taking for granted the life that I have and the world around me.

I find my life to stressful to face at times and sometimes so overwhelming that I could barely breath. I am very tired of running on this treadmill of life that doesn't stop. Sometimes I wish that I could just jump off and take a break but life doesn't work like that. It keeps going no matter what.

School is about the start again and as I had anticipated the summer has flown by like a flash. I have to keep in mind for this year that teaching is not my life and life doesn't stop because work starts. I need to try my best to keep living. I need to learn to deal with the things that stresses me out and make the most of my every day because I only get this year once then I have to move on to the next. That is the beauty and the pain of life. Things come and go just like time come and passes. The most we can do is make the most out of it.

Moving Forward

You've got to learn to move on from the past. People make mistakes but they have to learn to forgive themselves for it. Sometimes in life, without mistakes there will be no change. If we have people living in regret then nothing will get accomplished. You have to realize what your mistake is and move forward from there. Moping in it will not change anything.

Learn to take care of the people around you and learn to give love to as many people as possible. Know what you live for and why you do the things you do. It is important to live life with a purpose. If you don't know your purpose, then take action to find it. Eventually, you will find the thing that drives you to become who you are really meant to be.

Drive right through...

Teaching is such an exhausting job. I really don't know how much longer I can put up with it. After work, people normally like to go home and relax. But for teachers, you are stress throughout the day and then sent home with a stack of papers to grade. Somehow the work just never ends. On top of the grading, there is also the planning and the prepping. Then as if that wasn't enough, you still have to analyze the data that you have so then you can better plan and teach. I wonder if there is a easier way.

I keep reminding myself to keep it simple yet meaningful but I am having trouble doing that. My attempt to simplicity has lead to more stress. I have also encountered issues with my processes and don't ever feel like I am doing a good enough job. It really sucks because it never feels like you are doing enough but you're also tired and exhausted all the time.

Thank You

Thank you god for blessing me with such great people around me. When I am about the fall apart they all come together. Somehow beyond all the chaos in my life there is that subtle sweetness. Sometimes it's important and take a step back to see the things that are important in our lives.

It is truly interesting how the world works in such balance. When one thing collapses another will pick up. We all serve some shape, purpose, and form. However, when there is too much greed and lack of love, the balance will be compromised. But beyond all the imperfections of the world, over time, balance will return. People eventually overcome their flaws and see what is going on.

The world is like a giant wave, one followed by the other.

In my heart and soul, I will attempt my best to follow the flow and maintain my balance. It is very difficult sometimes and oftentimes we will be knocked off balance. I hope that you will help guide me along the way. Please send me some guidance.

ahhhhh....

I want to run away from here. I haven't felt so lost and helpless for the longest time. I don't belong in New York.

Choking on my own breath....

Although today is only monday, I feel as if the week is already over. There seems to be so much to do but the minutes just keep passing by while I sit here helpless trying to sweep everything together. I'm thinking of everything from retirement, career, filing taxes, housing appointments, meetings for work, appointments with co-workers and a student teacher. Somehow the work just never really end. But things don't get easier because I am always freaking out about things. Time to me exists in this giant ball and somehow rolls along day after day.

A piece of me is feeling really restless and is seeking some sort of change. At the same time, that piece of me is open up to all sorts of possibilities that I had limited myself from in the past. My goal this year is to live freely and learn to love and live with myself without having to rely on the presence of other people. At the same time, I want to build friendships and form new relationships. Ones that I never had the time to when I was dating. Somehow I am feeling as if I am just learning how to walk again. So far this week of january has been one that I can barely describe. I'm not quite sure how it's going to end up or where it's going to go. But I really have no choice but to continue on this journey of life.

Life in the City...

Today I got yelled at twice while taking public transit. Once while I was on my way to work, a guy almost ran into me and yelled, "get out of my way lady." Even though I had apologized right before he said that. Then another time on my way home from work, a guy was trying to get out of the train and said "move it, don't you know how to get out of the way, stupid." I have never felt so little ever since I got out of elementary school. People really do make you feel like crap sometime.

Life in the city is not as beautiful and glamorous as it seems in the movies. Often times it consist of getting pushed around and yelled at. You are consisting followed by the fumes of pollution and waste. And often have to go into areas that are over populated by people. On top of that, the living conditions are not so great either. But this is for the middle to lower class people.

However, when you start making enough money then you can start taking cabs to work and live in more spacious apartments and walk on cleaner and nicer streets. Perhaps it's for the rich or the fortunate that things are so much nicer. I really wonder if I will one day get there. But I know right now it won't be possible being a single public school teacher.

I've always wished for a comfortable and stable life and to be able to share it with someone. However, for the past few years in the city, I've been able to share it with someone but nothing seems fulfilled or complete. In fact, life almost seems as if it is on a stand still.

There are so many dimensions to life and it's hard to discuss all the issues. If I was to discuss all the issues correctly I would have to first explain each aspect of life and how one relates to the other. Then I will discuss the issues at hand and how they impact each other. Even though all the problems may appear the same, they all have their subtle differences and only people who care would tolerate and notice them.

It's a shame how life can be so difficult.

Working hard for a better life....

I've been taught since I was a little girl that good things come to those people who work hard. Also if you want an easier life, you must work hard for it. I feel that growing up I've worked very hard and had tried my best to keep up with it. Sometimes to the extent that I gave up certain opportunities and overlooks possible options in my life because I wanted to do "the right thing."

However, I've been feel like I have been slacking off lately. Not because I'm not doing anything, but because I feel as if I have accomplished nothing.

Lately I've feel as if my life is stuck in a rut. I don't really know what I want to do anymore and is lacking goals. I live in an apartment in which I do not feel secure in. I board with a few families of rats and cockroaches. And even though I take care of rent I don't even have a kitchen of my own. The house is filled with so many random things and it's hard for me to get rid of things and to clear out space to feel clearer in my life.