ahhhhh....

I want to run away from here. I haven't felt so lost and helpless for the longest time. I don't belong in New York.

Choking on my own breath....

Although today is only monday, I feel as if the week is already over. There seems to be so much to do but the minutes just keep passing by while I sit here helpless trying to sweep everything together. I'm thinking of everything from retirement, career, filing taxes, housing appointments, meetings for work, appointments with co-workers and a student teacher. Somehow the work just never really end. But things don't get easier because I am always freaking out about things. Time to me exists in this giant ball and somehow rolls along day after day.

A piece of me is feeling really restless and is seeking some sort of change. At the same time, that piece of me is open up to all sorts of possibilities that I had limited myself from in the past. My goal this year is to live freely and learn to love and live with myself without having to rely on the presence of other people. At the same time, I want to build friendships and form new relationships. Ones that I never had the time to when I was dating. Somehow I am feeling as if I am just learning how to walk again. So far this week of january has been one that I can barely describe. I'm not quite sure how it's going to end up or where it's going to go. But I really have no choice but to continue on this journey of life.

Life in the City...

Today I got yelled at twice while taking public transit. Once while I was on my way to work, a guy almost ran into me and yelled, "get out of my way lady." Even though I had apologized right before he said that. Then another time on my way home from work, a guy was trying to get out of the train and said "move it, don't you know how to get out of the way, stupid." I have never felt so little ever since I got out of elementary school. People really do make you feel like crap sometime.

Life in the city is not as beautiful and glamorous as it seems in the movies. Often times it consist of getting pushed around and yelled at. You are consisting followed by the fumes of pollution and waste. And often have to go into areas that are over populated by people. On top of that, the living conditions are not so great either. But this is for the middle to lower class people.

However, when you start making enough money then you can start taking cabs to work and live in more spacious apartments and walk on cleaner and nicer streets. Perhaps it's for the rich or the fortunate that things are so much nicer. I really wonder if I will one day get there. But I know right now it won't be possible being a single public school teacher.

I've always wished for a comfortable and stable life and to be able to share it with someone. However, for the past few years in the city, I've been able to share it with someone but nothing seems fulfilled or complete. In fact, life almost seems as if it is on a stand still.

There are so many dimensions to life and it's hard to discuss all the issues. If I was to discuss all the issues correctly I would have to first explain each aspect of life and how one relates to the other. Then I will discuss the issues at hand and how they impact each other. Even though all the problems may appear the same, they all have their subtle differences and only people who care would tolerate and notice them.

It's a shame how life can be so difficult.

Working hard for a better life....

I've been taught since I was a little girl that good things come to those people who work hard. Also if you want an easier life, you must work hard for it. I feel that growing up I've worked very hard and had tried my best to keep up with it. Sometimes to the extent that I gave up certain opportunities and overlooks possible options in my life because I wanted to do "the right thing."

However, I've been feel like I have been slacking off lately. Not because I'm not doing anything, but because I feel as if I have accomplished nothing.

Lately I've feel as if my life is stuck in a rut. I don't really know what I want to do anymore and is lacking goals. I live in an apartment in which I do not feel secure in. I board with a few families of rats and cockroaches. And even though I take care of rent I don't even have a kitchen of my own. The house is filled with so many random things and it's hard for me to get rid of things and to clear out space to feel clearer in my life.

New Years Eve 2010

It's been a very interesting year depending on how you choose to look at it. I got to ride on mules, surf down sand dunes, do a burlesque act in front of my students, and meet some new people. However, like every year, this year must come to a close. As much as it's been a fun year, it's also been stressful and at times depressing. Reflecting on my life, I am still confused and unable to make decision on my future. Everything seems to move very slow.

I am not sure what I would change about this year. It's been a good one. I say it's one full of reunions. I got to live with my sister for a while. My friend from Singapore came to visit. I got to spend a month with an old friend from high school. And I got to see all my family members at least once.

On the other hand, I lost all my pictures because I kicked over my hard drive. I lost another student to guns. I got sick twice this year and ended up having to spit blood out of my mouth. Got into a minor car accident. Missed the Nutcraker and had to purchase the tickets twice.

For some reason, this year feels different. It feels more like a new beginning than any other year. I look forward to it.

Snow Stuck

I guess I have not mastered the art of planning ahead. I thought that I had everything covered when I had organized a trip to jersey to get some stuff done but little did I know that it was going to be a huge snow storm. I didn't know until my friend had texted me and told me to be careful because it is going to snow a lot more during the afternoon. I thought that everything should be fine and we should be able to make it back into the city in time for the Nutcracker. A ballet that I've longed to see and we finally bought the tickets for.

On our way back, despite our better judgement, we hit a curb as we were going down hill. Somehow that hit was enough to throw the car out of alignment. With the weather condition and the condition of the car, our hopes of going back into the city was gone. The goal of going to see the nutcracker was out the window as well. So there it is... our tickets..

We ended up leaving the car in the parking lot of a plaza and my sister picked us up and we stayed over the night in her house. I guess after all it was better than getting stuck on the train back to the city and sleeping on the train. Need to remind you, I was under dressed and I didn't have any food on me so we would definitely be some very unhappy campers.

Finally today, we were able to drop the car off at a mechanics shop and take a bus back into the city. I was freezing of course and my feet were so cold I could barely feel them. I really need some warm shoes this year. Not to mention, some really warm socks as well..

Life... Love...

I've lived and I've loved. And although I didn't think so... but I also had my heart broken. But now I must learn to let go and move on. Life is grand and great just the way it is with all its little wonders. It's too precious to dwell on the past when you have all your moments passing right in front of your eyes.

It's time to start living and stop thinking. I need to stop holding my breath and start breathing... because the past will always stay in the past. And no matter how hard you think, it will never come back.